She didn't cry

May 4th 2014, 6:37 P.M.

"We were sitting on
the leftmost table sipping
Irish Coffee and cold Hazelnut
drink in my hand
We laughed
We flirted
We smiled
Spoke philosophy and mystery
Who said it was large cafe
When we were shut
Shut away in our own world
cut off from the rest
We didn't know
We didn't care
We laughed
We flirted"



Those memories moistened
her green eyes
as she waited for him to come
The middle table she chose
The view from where
she remembered
That day in March
clear as the blue sky
Because she knew
She knew
She knew today was the day when he'd confess
Confess and tell her
the wrongs he did
The lies he lied
They fought
They said mean things
She cried
They said sorry
It was time to go
Time to let go
to forgive and forget

Twelfth day of November it is
seven months passed since
She remembered
the smell of the windy
evening coffee
of that day only two months later
It only remained
a memory in the memory
as she sipped a micro cup
shared trying to pretend
To let go along
with the bunch of friends who came along
this time to wash away
bitterness of the cafe
They made intelligent talks
inspired advanced technology
to symbolize the shop of a start
a start of something
where old beginning ended
As the cafe witnessed the flow
of sensations
Only this time she didn't cry


A whisk of bad

Apparently I'm good, Humble I am
Selfless, zealous and perfect
Not too far fetched
To address me as

Oh I loved the attention
The envy the love and care
My name on everyone's lips
Who wouldn't dream of that

But lately I've come to realize
Of the devil in me
Who only thinks of I, me, myself
Unlike the world presumes me to be

This perception is new
Unknown to the rest
Still dawning upon me
As I think more about it
I start fearing the evil inside

Is it that bad
My intentions so wrong
What all happened
To the genuine feelings I once had

Oh or wait
Am I still the same, same old me
What if it is those people
Who started expecting much more of me

Ah I lay in a mess
To messy to be cleaned
Thoughts cluttered and the heart
Dominated by the malign side of me

All I have to do is identify
Locate it and give a slow kill
The venom will destroy the poison
To get back the original me

With the passage of time
I will defeat that demon
Its my own soul
Who'd make a better killer

Its not gonna be easy
I am going to that road
A whisk of bad it is
But it is still what complete me


Lack of Appreciation

So they say the internet generation is a pretentious charlatan. Perhaps true, in the rat race to know everything, they ended up knowing nothing. Information available at finger tips but no one to process that information. We simply rely on the so-called "reviews" and then make decisions. Be it simple book and movie reviews or the review about how a politician performed during their tenure. Opinions on a diverse range of topics are nothing but opinions of other people without even knowing why.

What this reservoir of unlimited information has made them is not genius, but critics. Mindless critics. It is just impossible to please them with anything!

Sarcasm seems to be the mother tongue. 95% of the tweets are nothing but sarcastic comments about people you don't even know personally. It surprises me to see that most of the times it is not their work we tend to criticize, we end up criticizing the person himself!

The day people are exposed to the internet, that very instant is born their hatred for Justin Beiber or One Direction. On what basis? Oh right, on the basis of being cool, is it?

Take for instance Alia Bhatt. What is really wrong if she doesn't know the name of the President of India? Why did we start bombing the social networks with tons of Alia Bhatt Memes depicting her "blonde nature"? It is quite possible that her field of work doesn't allow her to catch up with politics or she is simply not interested in the nature of the subject. What she needs to be criticized upon is her dancing skills, acting skills or looks. That's precisely what her work demands!

Consider this, had this great mathematician not known a very popular Bollywood song, what would our reaction be? "Oh, he is pretty busy doing intellectual stuff. He doesn't have time for this."
So why can't we give a very similar, unbiased, uncritical opinion for her?

Agreeing to the fact that little and less knowledge about things really has far more implications than I have elaborated over here but the overdose of criticism is something which really irritates me to the core.

Truth is, people don't have the guts to appreciate.



Work your ass off, run haywire to get things done, go out of the way to make stuff happen and yet, zero appreciation. Because we're too busy finding flaws and commenting sarcastically about it. Days of constructive criticism are long gone. It's only commenting for the sake of commenting.

Another recent example would be 'Sarthak Agarwal' memes. Does that tenth grade boy deserve that? Nobody came forward saying achieving a whopping 99.6% was a major milestone but everyone came with so called witty memes. There are even pages on the him! I really can't imagine how it will be in his shoes.

Time and again the lost nature of appreciation has been the reason for fear of failure. In the midst of struggle, overcoming difficulties and challenges, when one looks up to find hope, he is given either discouragement or worse, false hopes and a long saintly advice.

It is always too late before we realize that we need to acknowledge certain things explicitly, that it needs to be stood up and told. That it is not a sign of weakness but of gratitude.

Why do we wait for people to die and then appreciate them with titles and awards beginning with "In the loving memory of.. " Why does Google have doodles on the birthdays of only people who are dead? Why not celebrate the living? Make them feel good about the contribution they have made to the society as artists, mathematicians or philosophers for that matter.

Forget them, when was the last time I stood up to appreciate someone and tell them they did a good job? In my heart I probably felt so, but out of envy or rather out of habit (of overlooking the good intentions) I never took the courage to tell them so.

Before it gets too late, before they're long gone, the one least thing which we all could do is call them up or drop them a message admiring things we really regard from the bottom of our heart and let them know how much it matters to us. You'll probably make someone's day in these critical internet times!

When he built his own firewall


Intentions of a child they say are harmless
Innocent, the kid feels the same way
His heart feels fearless; it is so safe, no deep sorrows
At least doesn't know how to experience pain as we may

Alas he is hit hard the first time he was cheated, selfish was defined
What reward on earth could make his best friend betray him?
Far too young, the world is yet left to be seen
His days have just begun with the lights too dim

With the rising kicks of agony and traumatic defeats
He gears himself up as he enters his teen
The tender heart of his moulds a thin membrane
He needs to grow strong for he knows his friends can be mean

It was that phase of life when infatuation seemed love
Girls came, bonded in a relationship that eventually broke
The scars on his shield started getting profound
This journey of life seemed no longer a joke

Even when life ditched him on all levels his faith dangled
Suspended on a feeble string held by very few people around
Sentiment protection layer high for he knew life was always up for a game
One snip and his emotions will perhaps shatter on the ground

Exactly as he predicted was what happened to him
Emotionally drained, he couldn't even remember how to cry
Alone is what I have, he thought, alone will protect me
I will pass through all days of the rain - floods or dry

Adult as he is called now, he built himself a firewall
With no way in, it was a firewall tougher than the toughest steel
No sword can pierce through no matter what
And those hypocrites call him cold, frigid and a man without any zeal.

The struggle begins

I saw him pour iron in the mould
He chose nothing but the best Valerian steel
As he waited for the glazing red to turn cold
Deep down he knew there was a war coming


So I ran home, gathered all the courage I could
Looked for all the words of wisdom
And found as many that could do me good
Just like him, I saw my own little war coming


He practiced all day, he practiced all night
Clanked his sword with the best of men
Until every attack he made, hit right
After all fighting his own father won't be easy


Inspired I knew, I too had it in me
Wiped my tears, sat before the mirror 
A pen, piece of paper and those words had to be
"That's it. I will say a NO today"


He put on his armor, held his shield 
Despite no one by his emotional side
He had to be strong and not give up or yield
In his head, he told himself, its now, the struggle begins


I have a reason, a valid explanation
Closed my eyes, took a deep breath in
I could see my hero whisper to me in slow motion
"All the best my warrior, the struggle now begins.."




Turning 20


It’s my birthday today. I am going to turn 20. Two decades of this life, living and trying to find happiness at every step. (I don’t why I sound so disconsolate about it.)

It’s that time of this journey when my age will no longer bear the suffix ‘teen’ to it.  No doubt, it is going to be new, mostly going to be different. And like everyone else, change is hard to accept, tough to incorporate.

I still remember stepping into my teens. My face was bubbling with pimples and my heart was going through turmoil of emotions. I started disliking people I loved earlier and started taking things seriously. Thought processes changed and perceptions were new and different. I learnt understanding double meaning jokes and eventually cracking them :P

Phew! Perhaps not that difficult as it all comes to me in a flashback. So, what do I expect in these coming years? What all is going to change now that I am no longer a teen? How differently are people going to behave to the same situations as before? When am I going to get all comfortable about it?

I realized I was changing when little things about me changed. Not that I was not philosophical from the start but now more serious books have started interesting me. Things as trivial as preferring a dark and political TV series over silly comedy came to my notice. In fact I started find philosophy even in sitcoms!

Rest apart from these minor details, I started knowing things about myself that I did not like. What these realizations have started giving me is pure insecurity. There is a career to worry about and this is just the start. The moment I begin worrying about the future, it dawns upon me that I hardly know what I am doing now – forget what will I be doing later!

Then there are those shit scary moments. When I am trying to catch on with some sleep and absolute nonsensical (now that I am sane I call it nonsense) thoughts creep in. Scary, alone, confused some weak words make the heart beat faster.

Imaginary conversations in my head are no longer cracking mindless jokes in funny situations. They always seem to rectify mistakes made in the past. What is it that could have gone better? I crave for feedback at every step. Unlike before when I believed I was the best!

Love changes its definition at every stage. For as a baby it meant mother. Expanded to the rest of the family and friends later. Today it all feels cold. As if I barely ever knew what love was. Went through heart breaks and wonder if I was that bad a person to have experienced that. Late at night think about where that “The One” person is. The feel of needing him tremendously increases – the bed feels too large for just one person. The same old me, happy by herself, independent now needs a shoulder to rest the head upon.
But the very next moment I realize this is not my priority. Relationships seem a burden and getting close to someone sounds more awful than anything else.
Such confusion, in the heart too!

Earlier finances were least of my concerns. Suddenly that becomes one of my major worries. Keeping a stringent check on my spending becomes very important. Choice of jobs depends on the salaries, choice of University on its fee. What is the return on investment? It all becomes so calculative.

There are feelings and notions I keep bothering my friends about. Discussions go deep any minute and in matter of no time are we dropping bombs on each other. The same conversations find way in with newer outlooks. Influencing factors change. Inspirational sources change.

Life suddenly looks like a running race. A competition. Those same friends we learnt together with stand beside you to run the same race. It’s no longer the same. Even friendship becomes a “contact” and there is material associated with every person. There is a hint of envy in every “Congratulations” and a sense of relief in every consolation. Honest and sincere feelings seem to vanish as words speak different than thoughts. Evidently people start seeming selfish and the people I think I was close to don’t really think the same.

Perhaps this is just one side of it. Perhaps it may not be that bad. I can only hope of it getting better. Probably everyone of my age right now feels the same. Maybe it is not only me. Maybe what people seem is not the reality at all. All the selfishness is purely the same feeling they feel as I feel.

I am not really sure what life has to offer in times to come. I don't even know how long I will live to see things coming. But what surely remains in my hand is accepting change while I am still trying to find happiness at every step.

On a lighter note, I have 100 percent freedom to crack non-veg jokes and not pretend innocent even in front of my elders! My opinions will be heard with more regard and valued rather than being chucked away. My individuality will find its way in being respected. As I will discover more about me, I will perhaps start liking more about me. The journey will only get more thrilling as time passes.

Cheers to people having literally endured me since what seems like centuries! :p

Waiting, for the world to see

Its a pretty just another day, I am scrolling down my facebook feed. I am irritated. Why? The entire feed is bursting with "Hey, look at me" posts. There are the
- look-how-happy-i-am-with-my-bestie,
- oh-i-love-politics,
- look-i-answer-on-quora-i-am-such-a-genius,
- whaaat-you-didnt-watch-this-movie-yet,
- check-out-this-link-i-am-so-updated-with-technology,
- omg-this-party-was-awesome,
- i-share-memes-with-my-friends-i-am-cool
 and countless such posts waiting to be watched, judged and be jealous of.

It isn't really facebook's fault that made me feel so bad. That's how probably even I am. Waiting to show off the fun we encounter before we even dive into it. Waiting to so called share a status before even fully tasting the ice-cream. Waiting to shout in every living soul's ear, I live a life. It is all about the deception of looking perfect, the feeling of getting noticed, the pride of being talked about and the fear of being judged.



Eventually as I have come to comprehend, we fail to enjoy the little moments in life while we are busy painting the bigger picture. We limit our ourselves to the people who judge us. We cannot help thinking about other people - those who really love us unconditionally, without judging. Every action of ours is influenced by the after effects of the very typical - log kya sochenge.

Acharaya Sir, my physics teacher in Pace pointed out his observations in class one day. He gave us a sum to solve in the closed classroom and was himself looking out of the small glass window made on the main door. The peon who'd take care of the functioning of the lectures was almost dancing and hopping as he walked along the corridor. He was under the pretext that no one's watching. "We are ourselves only when we know no one is looking at us or judging who we are. We are free at our will, expressing our joys and sorrows in little actions like how we walk."

Poor little us. We forget expressing what we really feel while drowning in the fear of how we will be judged. If only we thought less of what people think of us!

And as a matter of irony. It is so challenging to be happy while being popular online! Consider the recent Alok Nath saga. He is so talked about, his pictures floating everywhere, etc. He didn't even do anything to instigate the meme-makers (For once, memes on political parties are still justified). This example may not cite what I exactly want to convey through this post but there is one thing we learn. Attention is dangerous too! :P

Anyway, the point is no matter who is watching, the decision of beingYou, being who you really are is in your hands. And that's just how I wanted my blog to be - beingRitika, who I am.